Gwen's Twelve Days Of Christmas
by EnglandBabe1997
Summary: Or, how Gwen was driven utterly insane in only twelve days.


**I know it's not Christmas and it's really late for it, but I've had this in my head ages and it will not get out of my head until I've written it x I really don't fancy having to wait another nine months x I will go mad x Please read and review though, anyway x**

Arthur, being Arthur, didn't really have much of a clue what was a reasonable present. He had been brought up as a Prince and was now a King - there weren't exactly limits on what he could afford to buy her, no matter that she had once been a poor and lowly serving girl. He had bought her houses and horses and _people_. He very rarely thought of what he was buying and how expensive it was, never mind whether he thought she would like it.

So when Christmas approached, Gwen was, quite frankly, _scared_.

"A tree?" She asked, looking at the tree that had been strategically placed into her room, in a very inconvenient place.

Namely the door.

"A partridge."

"Okay."

"And it's a pear tree."

"A partridge in a pear tree. I can deal with that. As long as it's moved out of the doorway."

* * *

"So far I've had two doves and a tree," Gwen complained to Merlin.

"With a partridge in."

"So you've heard already?"

Merlin gave her a look. "It's Arthur. I'm sure everyone in the castle knew you were getting a tree. I advised him against the bird though. And told him where to put it."

"It looked like he ignored you."

"I know." Merlin said laboriously. "He got me to move the tree."

* * *

"More birds!" Gwen exclaimed to Arthur.

"Well, you seemed to like the last lot so much..."

Gwen smiled tiredly. "I love them. But pears are not a good diet for any kind of bird. Even hens."

Merlin nodded in agreement. "The pear tree was a really bad idea."

"So were the calling birds!"

"Agreed."

* * *

Arthur dashed forwards, presenting her with yet another gift.

"Another one?" Gwen asked wearily.

"Of course!" He handed over her present.

"No birds?"

"Not today - I thought I'd mix it up a bit. But since you like the birds so much..."

He dashed away again before Gwen could tell him that five gold rings were quite enough. And if he was going to insist on more presents, to avoid all things with wings.

* * *

"Birds again?" Merlin asked her.

Gwen nodded exasperatedly.

"I thought you'd spoken to him about that?"

"I had. But apparently geese are a much better option than anything else. Even with all the eggs lying around."

"Why?"

"Lord if I know. I've had some think they can fly and fall out of my window."

Merlin nodded sagely. "So _that's_ what they were cleaning up in the courtyard. It was rather messy."

"I know. One of my ladies-maids fainted."

"The poor girl."

"She tripped over an egg whilst doing so and landed on the floor, not the bed at she had been aiming."

Merlin winced.

* * *

"Arthur, _where's_ your bath?"

"Why are you looking for it?"

Merlin through him a sardonic look. "You just asked for one."

Arthur's cheeks coloured faintly at the fact. "Oh. Forget about it."

"Why?" Merlin asked suspiciously, knowing how strangely Arthur had been acting.

"You won't find it."

Merlin squints at him apprehensively. "Why not?"

Arthur looks away, out of the window. "I may have used it for Guinevere's present."

"You gave your wife your bathtub?"

"No."

Merlin breathed a sigh of relief.

"I gave her seven swans. Swimming in my bathtub."

Merlin wacked his head against the door.

* * *

On the eighth day Merlin was rather surprised that he couldn't hear any further bird calls coming from Gwen's room.

Instead, there was mooing.

What on Earth...

"Gwen?" he asked of her.

Gwen didn't answer, too busy trying to bury her head into her pillow.

* * *

"And now we're on to people!" Gwen shouted at Merlin, taking out her frustrations. She couldn't exactly take them out on her husband, as generous as he was being, for buying her presents, could she?

"What is it today?"

"Nine ladies."

"Oh, that will be a big help around the castle, won't it?"

"It will be if they ever stop dancing!"

* * *

"Is that...Lord Geoffrey?"

Gwen nodded. "I think so."

"I thought he never left his rooms." Merlin continued, startled, "Isn't he a bit too old to be leaping anywhere? He's going to put a hip out doing that!"

* * *

On the eleventh day there were pipers. Playing.

Loudly.

"Okay, this is it! I am speaking with Arthur. I cannot have a civilised conversation, in my own chambers, and be heard over the sound of these pipers!"

"What?"

* * *

"They sound...lovely."

"Arthur decided that since the pipers weren't working I still needed some sort of musical accompaniment every time that I entered a room."

"Don't you get that already?" Merlin said, confused.

"Only in the throne room." Gwen grimaced and continued sarcastically. "These ones are employed to play the drums every time I enter or leave a room, talk to anyone, move or indeed breathe!"

"Yes, that does sound a bit excessive."

"A bit!" Gwen screeched, her temper finally snapping.

The angry woman chased Merlin all over the castle.

The servants were all quite worried that their Queen was cracking under pressure.

* * *

On the thirteenth day, the actual day of celebration, Gwen presented her husband with a new set of ceremonial goblets and some new chain mail. None of which could cluck, squawk, moo, dance or play any kind of music.

The other occupants of the castle were all very grateful.

* * *

The next year, Gwen asked for only one present.

Arthur asked if an acting troop only counted as one present.

Gwen refused to answer him.

Merlin never stayed in Camelot again for Christmas, instead choosing to go to Ealdor, to the Lake of Avalon, _anywhere_, anywhere but there.


End file.
